How to be a Video Games Blogger

Editor's Note: (ಠ_ಠ)

By Tom

One might look at my creation here at Gamefanboys.com and think to themselves, "I can do this easily," but you do not have any idea how wrong you are. Blogging, is in fact, hard work. It is; on the other hand, some of the most rewarding work you can do. Blogging is one of the last true ways for random people on the Internet to make their ideas known without being lost in the shuffle of shitty forum posts and youtube comments. I encourage everyone to at least try blogging about anything, but blogging about video games is a beast unlike any other.

How do you become a successful games blogger? Allow me to show you the ropes

Step 1: Be the biggest prick you can possibly be
One might think the best way to make yourself respected is to be respectful, but we are talking about video gamers here. So the trick here is to show them the same respect they show to you. If you have spent any amount of time on Xbox Live or PSN, you're probably well aware gamers are almost all immature little pricks who think the world of themselves, so that is exactly how you should respond to them.

This will have a two fold effect: 1) You will be sure to get mass amounts of page views from people who are the Internet equivalent of ambulance chasers and 2) these page views will lead to more fame than you could ever have achieved by being your mousy little self. After all, if you are a game blogger, odds are you are a prick online, but silent in real life.

Step 2: Be smart
No, I'm not asking you to go and research every little thing in the world to make the most of yourself, that would be just silly. I'm talking about making other people think you're smart. How do you do this? It's actually quite simple. All you have to do is say words like "Touhou," "PC Engine," and "Blast Processing." These words are an instant shoe in.

But being smart isn't enough. Remember, you're trying to be a prick, so you have to be arrogant about it too. It's important to make other people who don't know about Touhou shooters feel small and insignificant. If someone commenting on your blog saying things like, "What is blast processing?" the proper way to respond is to make him feel like he is dumber than a rock for asking. This saves you the trouble of having to look it up.

Another sure fire way of getting respected is to belittle games that are universally seen as being good. Saying that [Halo, Call of Duity, Gears of War] is shit is instant street cred with the retro gaming crowd. I recommend writing an article about how much of a bad game they are.

Step 2 Alternative: Be stupid
If you can't be bothered with being smart, the better alternative is to be a stupid as humanly possible. Write articles that make no sense, make jokes that aren't funny, and generally look like a dumbass. Once again, you should not forget the first rule. When people call you on being stupid, respond in even dumber ways. I recommend saying things like, "Your mom is an angry comment," or "That's not what your mom posted last night." Generally speaking, making a your mom joke is a perfect way to look like a tard.

Step 3: Make a Top 10 List of the Best Games Ever
This may seem innocent enough, but rest assured, this is the perfect flame bait. People will come to critique your choices. Some may even respectfully disagree. This is the perfect opportunity to lash out at them. The go to blogger choice of response, and still my favorite, is, "Well, I can do what I want with MY blog, why don't you make your own?" It is the most condescending response possible and will earn you a safe spot among the blogger elites.

Now that you've established yourself as an enormous dick, it's time to start writing humorous articles. You know, those articles that are supposed to make people realize you were joking all these years and try and laugh it all off. The best way to go about this is to make video game jokes. Lucky for us, there is a formula for gamer humor.

1. Establish what game you're making fun of
2. Put characters in a situation that doesn't make any sense
3. Have characters act out and say things that are not normal
4. This part of the joke is up to you, but most people on deviant art seem to think having their characters shout something that has nothing to do with anything is a logical way of providing the big lulz. As long as it's in bold print and in all caps, you're safe. Someone is bound to laugh.
5. The cake is a lie.

Alternatively, if you're going for the more edgy crowd, just make gay jokes about Marcus and Dom.

Trust me when I say you can make up for a lot of douchebaggery by just being funny. Apparently, gamers find liberal use of the word "cunt" funny, so that's another way to gain a fanbase. The important thing to remember is that video game humor is incredibly easy. Anyone who at least knows about Portal can do it. You may think you need to play games in order to make proper gamer jokes, but this is also not true. Just insert any video game characters into the above formula and you have gold. Example:

1. Show Mario. This establishes this is going to be Mario brothers related humor
2. Now put Mario in Rapture and have him facing off against a Big Daddy trying to kill it by kicking a turtle shell at it.
3. As Mario does this, he is going to yell, "FUZZY PICKLES!"
4. The Big Daddy then takes off his helmet to reveal he is actually Alex Trebek yelling "YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT SHELL IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION!"
5. A static picture of the companion cube in Rapture with a cake on top of it. A narrator saying "The cake is a lie" is optional, but recommended since most people who reference Portal have not actually played it.

Well, that's all I have for now. If I think of any other ways to help make you a better gamer blogger, I'll be sure to post it!